Oh Boy

Did I do wrong?

Friday was my last day at my job at the library.

As I walked out of that building, sans key card and ID badge, a sense of dislocation nearly overwhelmed me.  This job defined my daily life for over six years.  Plans were made around it and the stress of it was one of the factors that drove me to therapy (and, yes, under the right conditions a library position can be very stressful).

I experienced the might of office politics and learned how to deal with a variety of personalities (with varying success (and failure)).  I developed an all new appreciation for hand sanitizer and the sort of garbage people are willing to read.  I also learned the immense value of a friend and of having the right sort of perspective.

My decision to leave my day job did not come easily.  Much to my disappointment, Clara has not been a roaring success.  Speilberg hasn’t called, and some days, I feel like I need to offer the heart’s blood of my firstborn just to get someone to review my book.

None of that changes the fact, though, that Clara has also been a learning experience and the lack of success has only given me a greater zeal to succeed.  It’s also made me ask myself, “Why am I doing this?  Why do I write when I could be doing other things with what precious free time I have?”

After much though, I came to the conclusion, “Because I can’t imagine doing anything else.”

Like Clara, once I had the truth before me, I had to decide what to do with it.  My husband and I came to the decision that we were in the right place in our joined life for me to leave the daily workforce to pursue my dream.  To live my vocation.

The fact of what I’ve done is slowly sinking in.  There’s a voice in the back of my mind that’s wondering if I made a colossal mistake.  But, right now, at this moment, I’m happy and, for the first time in a long time, I feel as if I’m solidly on the right path.

And that is enough.

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